TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS

Transactional Analysis Theory

The Basics

This article is written to acquaint  readers with basic transactinal analysis theory  and to provide a beginning  understanding  about how these concepts can be used in real life.

Ego States

Each  of  our  personalities   is  made  up  of various  parts:  the  Parent, the  Adult,  and  the Child ego states. These ego states can be diagrammed as shown in Figure above.

The Parent ego state is a set of thoughts, feelings, and   behaviors   that are learned or “borrowed” from  our  parents  or  other  care takers. The Parent ego state can be divided into two functions.  One part includes the nurturing side and can be soft, loving, and permission giving. This is called the Nurturing Parent ego state. It can also set limits in a healthy way.

The other side of the Parent ego state is called the Critical Parent. (It is also sometimes called the Prejudiced Parent.)  This part of our personality contains the prejudged thoughts, Feelings, and beliefs that we learned from our parents. Some of the messages that we hold in our Parent ego state can  be  helpful  in  living while other Parent messages are not. It is useful for us to sort out what information we carry around  in our  heads  so we  can  keep  the  part that helps us in our lives  and change  the part that does not. The Adult ego state is our data- processing    center.    It   is   the   part   of   our personality   that can process data accurately, that sees, hears, thinks, and can come up with solutions to problems based on the facts and not solely  on our prejudged  thoughts  or childlike emotions.

The Child ego state is the part of our personality that  is the seat of emotions, thoughts, and feelings and all of the feeling state “memories” that we have of ourselves from childhood. We carry around in our Child ego states all of the experiences we have had, and sometimes these childlike ways of being pop up in our grown-up lives. This can be fun when we are in a situation in which it is safe and right to play and en- joy  ourselves.  It  can  be  a  problem  when  our Child view of the world causes us to distort the facts  in  a  current  situation  and  prevents  our Adult ego state from seeing things accurately.

The Child ego state can also be divided into two parts:   the Free Child   ego state   (also referred to as the Natural Child) and the Adapted Child ego state (which also contains the Rebel- lions Child ego state).The Free Child is the seat of spontaneous feeling and behavior. It is the side of us that experiences  the world  in a direct and immediate way. Our Free Child ego state can be playful, authentic, expressive, and emotional.  It, along with the Adult, is the seat of creativity. Having good contact with our own Free Child is an essential ingredient for having an intimate 

Relationship. When we adapt in ways that make us less  in  touch  with  our  true  selves  (our  Free Child), we decrease the amount of intimacy we are able to have in our lives.

The Adapted Child is the part of our personality that has learned to comply  with  the par- entail messages we received growing up. We all adapt in one way or another. Sometimes when we are faced with parental messages that are restricting, instead of complying with them, we rebel against them.  This becomes our Rebellious Child ego state.  This can be seen as an alternative to complying.  It is still, however, a response to the parent messages,  and so it  is a kind of adaptation all its own.

Let's take a very simple example of a child playing in the sand and look at how the different content develops in the different  ego states

• Nurturing Parent: Go ahead, play and have fun!
• Critical Parent: Now, don't you DARE get yourself all messy!
• Adult:  This  sand  looks  really  interesting.I can make a castle.
• Free Child: WOW! Look how tall my castle is!!!!!
• Adapted  Child:  I better  not get my clothes all dirty.
• Rebellious  Child: I don't CARE if I do get dirty! (While dumping  a bucket of sand on her head)

Understanding ego states is the basis for understanding transaction analysis theory. In the following section we will look at different ways of identifying  what  ego  state you or someone else is using so you can become adept at recognizing   these  aspects   of  personality   and  behavior.  As you watch people move from one ego state to another, you can literally see them change right before your eyes!

 

How to Tell What Ego State You Are Using

There are several ways to tell what ego state you are (or some one else is) using. Pay attention to tone of voice, body posture, gestures, choice  of  words,  and  emotional  state.  If  the tone of voice is soft and soothing, this is a sign that the speaker is using a Nurturing Parent ego state. If, on the other hand, the tone is harsh and critical  or threatening,  then the speaker  is probably  using  a Critical  Parent ego state. An even  and  clear  tone  of  voice  usually  comes from an Adult ego state, while an especially cheerful   or  emotion-laden   tone   of  voice   is likely  to be coming  from  the Free  Child.  The Adapted Child may sound either whiny or like a  good  girl  (or  boy)  saying  just  what  is  expected of her or him.

Similarly, there are gestures that signify that someone is using Parent (the warning, wagging finger), Adult (thoughtful expression, nodding head), or Child (jumping up and down). There are also specific words that tend to come from one ego state more  than from  the others.  The Parent is most likely to use expressions such as “Pay attention now” or “You should always do it this  way,”  while  language  belonging  to  the Adult ego state is likely  to sound  even-handed (“This information  might be useful to you”) or simply factual (“Will you tell me what time it is?”). The Child is most likely to use short expressive   words like  “WOW!”   “Yeah!”  or “Let's go!” When you pay attention to these behaviors and to how you feel, you will be able to tell what  ego  state  you  or someone  else is using.

Let's look at ways in which an understanding of ego states can help you in your current life. Suppose we take a common problem and apply knowledge of ego states to the solution. The feeling of loneliness is a natural experience. Everyone feels lonely from time to time. People ask, “How can I connect with others? How can I make more friends?”

 You can use your knowledge of ego states in a social situation to maximize your chances of making new connections. Let your Nurturing Parent take your Child to a party. Reassure yourself by saying things like, “This might be fun. Let's see what interesting people we might be able to meet!” Leave your Critical Parent at home.  Smile  at  people.  When  others  talk  to you, use your Nurturing Parent to make supportive  comments  and  to offer  strokes.

Use your Adult to ask questions, showing the other per- son that you are interested in him or her. Allow your Natural Child to be intuitive and to figure people  out. Your  Child  ego  state  can  connect with others not only sharing in the pleasure of jokes  that  are  funny,  but  sometimes  finding humor in ordinary situations as well. You might find others opening up to you.  We  all  need warmth and positive strokes; if you offer some

of  them  to  others,  it  is  likely  that  some  will come back your way. These elements of nurturance, support, a show of interest, and playfulness are often how friendships begin.

Change does not necessarily come quickly or easily.  Change takes practice.  Your transaction analysis therapist can help you with this. But once you start making changes that move your life in a positive direction, you can expect more positive changes to follow

Transactions

Another important transactional analysis concept is about how people interact with each other, specifically, which ego state in me is talking to which ego state in you. You may have noticed that sometimes communication continues in a straightforward, easy way that seems to go smoothly. But at other times, things seem to get all jumbled up, confusing, unclear, and unsatisfying. An understanding of transactions can help you keep your communication with others as clear as you would like it to be.

Straight transactions (or complementary transactions):  We can diagram simple, straight transactions as shown in Figure below.

   

The first example is easy to understand.  In the second example  the two people  are not in agreement, however the communication is clear.  Both are examples of straight transactions; the arrows are straight or parallel. When people use straight (or complementary) transactions, communication can continue indefinitely. It is when people cross transactions that communication breaks down.

Crossed   transactions: We  can  diagram   a crossed transaction as shown in Figure  below.

Here we see two different examples in which communication  breaks  down.  In  the  first,  the respondent  comes  from  a  Child  ego  state  instead of Adult, thereby crossing the transaction. The  speaker  has  two  options.  She  can  either stay in her Adult ego state and try again to hook the Adult  in  the  responder  (“I didn't  mean  to rush  you.  I  really  just  wanted  to  know  the time”),  or she can  get hooked  and  move  into her Parent ego state and respond that way (e.g., saying  angrily,  “Why  do  you  have  to  be  so sensitive?”). In the second example, the respond- dent comes from a Critical Parent ego state to cross the transaction, and this communication breaks down.  There are many other ways to cross transactions.

When we learn to recognize and differentiate between straight and crossed transactions we increase   our ability   to communicate   clearly with others. Conversations made up of straight transactions   are more emotionally satisfying and productive than conversations that have frequent crossed transactions.

Becoming an expert at recognizing ego states and straight and crossed transactions takes time. In the beginning you will need to pay close attention   to   what   is   going   on   both   inside yourself and with others. With practice, identifying various ego states and different kinds of transactions becomes second nature. Learning these new skills can be interesting and helpful. It can also be fun!

Strokes

stroke is defined  as  a  “unit  of human recognition”.  A stroke can be a look, a nod, a smile, a spoken word, a touch. Any time one human being does something to recognize another human being that is a stroke.  Babies need strokes to survive.

Strokes can be positive or negative.   Most of us  like  positive  strokes  better  than  negative ones. It feels better to hear “I love you” than   to hear “I hate you.”  But  when  children  are not able to get positive strokes, they will make their best  effort to  get  the  negative   ones,   since negative  strokes  are better than no strokes  at all. This is the reason that some people grow up being more comfortable with negative stroking patterns.  The kind of stroking patterns we develop tend to support our basic, existential life position, a stance in life that reflects how we feel about ourselves in relation to others.

Strokes can also be unconditional or conditional.  Unconditional strokes are those that come to us just for being. They are a very rich kind of strokes. Babies who get lots of positive, unconditional strokes really thrive. And adults who have a good base of positive unconditional stroking thrive as well.

Conditional strokes are given for what we do, for what we accomplish, or for a particular trait that we happen to possess. Thus, they are based on some condition Conditional strokes can fill important needs. If I sing well, or get a good  grade,  or do a good  deed,  and  someone recognizes me for that, they are giving me a positive  conditional  stroke.  If  people  tell  me that I am pretty or that they like my dress, they are  giving  me  a  positive  conditional   stroke. These strokes  can feel very good and they fill us up in different ways than do positive unconditional strokes.

But  there  are  ways  that  conditional  strokes can  be  limiting,  too.  If we  relate  to others  or they relate to us in ways that show us that we are only OK in their eyes when  we behave  in certain ways, this cuts down on the spontaneity in  the  relationship.  In  the  long  run,  this  can limit pleasure, intimacy, and creativity.

Pay attention to the kind of strokes you most like to get and learn ways to ask for them. Yes, it is OK to ask for strokes, and asking does not diminish   the   value   of   the   stroke   you   get! Usually the more you give, the more you get! The most harmful  kind of stroke  is the unconditional  negative stroke. These strokes convey to us that we are not OK. And there is no condition  that  this  is  based  on.  The  unconditional  negative  stroke  says  that  the  core  of who we are is just not OK.

 This kind of message and stroking pattern early in life can seriously impact a person's view of himself or herself; it can be damaging to the person's self- esteem and even impact his or her will or desire to live. When negative strokes are conditional, they are a bit less harmful than the unconditional negative  ones. At least  the person  can believe that  there  is something  good  about  himself  or herself, since the negative strokes are limited to certain  specific  characteristics  or behaviours. “I hate when you yell like that” is more limited in its negative impact than “I hate you!”

It is interesting   to look at how different stroking patterns affect how people feel in relationships. Following are two examples of relationships with very different stroking patterns. The first is an  example  of a relationship  with negative  and conditional  stroking  patterns;  the second  an example  of a relationship  in which positive and unconditional strokes abound.

Lisa and Ben had been married for about ten years. Ben had never been able to fully accept Lisa for who she is. Ben wanted a partner who could join him in his many athletic endeavors. The only time Lisa received positive strokes from Ben was when she joined him in jogging or mountain biking. But because he was a much better athlete than she, these activities were not much fun for her. Lisa enjoyed putting on elaborate dinner parties and playing the piano. But Ben discounted Lisa's strengths looking through his lens of athletics. He would comment on her accomplishments saying, “Yeah, but  all  you ever want to do is eat and sit around.” Lisa received  positive conditional  strokes from Ben only when  she complied  with his wishes. She longed for the unconditional positive strokes (“I love you, honey”)  and the conditional  positive strokes  (“What  a  great  cook  you  are!”),  but those rarely came. She found it difficult as well to stroke Ben in positive ways. It is easy to understand why Lisa and Ben felt some relief, in addition  to their anger and grief, when they decided to end their relationship.

Margaret and Claire  had  been  together  for more than 20 years. They had much in common having met in graduate school when they were both working on PhDs in sociology.  Margaret and Claire  loved  everything  about  each  other. They loved how smart   the  other   was,   they appreciated   each  other's  gentle  loving  ways, and they shared  the same values.  Where  there were  differences,  they  saw  those  as  strengths that  were  complementary  to  each  other.  Margaret was extremely outgoing while Claire was quite shy. Instead of fighting about these differences, they saw them as “balancing things out” in their relationship. Margaret and Claire ex- changed many positive strokes in their relation- ship,  both  the conditional  (“She  is so smart”) and the unconditional kind (“I love her with all my  heart”).   They   used   straight   transactions when they argued, fighting fairly and getting problems resolved Life Scripts and Early Decisions A life script is an unconscious life plan based on decisions made in early childhood about ourselves,  others,  and  our  lives.  These  decisions  made  sense  when  we  were  young  and often helped us adapt in the world of our child- hood. They do not always make sense when we are adults, but until we discover what our early decisions were, we often repeat the patterns that prove those early decisions to be true.

For example,  I met Kathleen  when  she was 27, a bright,  beautiful,  creative  young  woman who was ruining her life with alcohol and debt. She had been a successful ballerina in her teen- age years,  and  I wondered  about  her  seeming lack of success now. “Life sucks” she told me through  her  tears.  “People  say  I'm  smart  and pretty and have so much going for me, but I feel like a total failure.” How did this come to be, I wondered?  As we explored  her past we discovered that the success she experienced as a young girl hardly felt like success at all. When she was the thinnest girl in the ballet company, her teacher wanted her to be thinner. When she could do a double pirouette, her teacher wanted her to do a triple. There were many examples of her not being “perfect enough” over a period of many years. Kathleen decided, “I’m never good enough. I’ll never be successful enough. I give up.” And when  she quit dancing,  she stuck  to her decision  of “I give up” and never  reached for any more  success  in her  life. It was years later that I met her, drinking and despairing  of ever being able to feel good about herself and badly in debt. This is an example of how a life script takes hold and how it can influence  our lives until we are able to see our own early decisions   clearly   and   understand   how   they made sense at the time they were made.

We all receive many messages from our parents and other caretakers as we are growing up. While parents are usually our main caretakers, many people are raised and tremendously in- flounced by grandparents, older siblings, hired nannies, and others. These messages come from all the ego states of our caregivers, and they come to us in many different forms.

 Messages are conveyed through touching and holding or hitting and neglect. They can be sent verbally, either gently with interest or gruffly with disgust.  And we hear and interpret these mes- sages and make decisions about ourselves and our lives based on what we experience. as children, we try to make  sense  of  our World (and our first world is really the world of our family), and we try to figure out how to best fit in with the people around us.   We  are  all born  with  an  innate  need  to  be  connected  to other  human  beings.    Without  our  ability  to bond  with  our  caretakers  and  their  desire  to bond with us as infants, we would not survive. We each have an inborn set of personality characteristics that make some of us more sensitive and some of us more bold. Some of us tend to be more fearful, meek, or shy, while others are braver and bounce back more quickly. These inborn variables have a lot to do with how we are able to respond to the people and events of our childhood.

The early decision (or sets of early decisions) is the most important part of our life script. We received certain messages (both directly and in- directly) from our parents and other caretakers about how we should be to obtain strokes from them.  As we get older  we  receive  even  more messages from a wider circle of people who are important  in our lives, including  grandparents, siblings,  and  teachers.  It is what we do with these messages that are so important.  We make decisions about ourselves and our lives that allow   us   to   adapt   as   best   we   can   to   the particular situation in which we find ourselves.

Children   who  are  well  loved  and  clearly wanted   will be  able  to  make  positive  script decisions  on  which  to  base  the  rest  of  their lives. Those decisions might be, at the earliest stages, a sense that “I’m good” and “I’m lovable” and later, based on mother’s or father's acknowledgment   of   a  job   well   done,   “I’m smart” or “I’m competent.” These are the kinds of early life decisions   that are the building blocks of a healthy and satisfying life script.

Other children receive negative or mixed messages  and  may  decide  that  there  is  some- thing  wrong  with  them.  Although these decisions may make sense to the child at the time, they will not serve him or her well in the future.

For example,  if a father who is angry at his young  son  over  some  small  mishap  yells,  “I can't  believe  you  could  be  that  stupid!”  that child might decide “I’m dumb” or “I’ll never do anything  right.”  And this decision can be the basis for an unhappy (or limiting) life script. Usually  the decisions  that we make  are based not  on  a single  message  or  event,  but  on  the continual repetition  of that message during our growing up years. The repeated  messages  sup- port  our  belief  in  the  early  decision  we  have made.

What  makes  some people  able to withstand negative  script  messages  and  turn  out  pretty much OK while other people are so drastically affected  by  similar  messages?  There are two things that affect how we react to our childhood situations.  One is the constitution and personality with which we are born. A sunny,  resilient, outgoing child will be able to withstand negative parenting better than a depressed or withdrawn  child. The other is a matter of how much support a child has from others.    The child  who  is yelled  at by father  will be better able to withstand that assault if mother is there to  mitigate  the  effect  of  those  harsh  words (“Don't you listen to him, you are a really smart boy!) As  children  we  are  amazingly  resilient  and seek  out  the  healthy  parenting  we  need.  The little  boy  just  described,  for  instance,  might show  his  grandfather  a  homework  paper  and bask  in grandfather's  praise,  or he might  soak up his teacher's admiration  when  he raises his hand in class. He thus finds ways to gain experiences that balance the negative messages from his  father   and  allow   him  to  grow   up feeling good about himself when all is said and done.

Existential Positions :

Based on the messages received and the decisions made, a young child develops a basic life position.  We call these “existential positions” because they influence how we view our own and others existence. There are four basic life positions.

These are:

• I'm OK, You're OK
• I'm OK, You're Not OK I'm Not OK, You're OK
• I'm Not OK, You're Not OK

Most babies are born in the position of feeling OK about themselves and OK about others. If things go well they will be able to maintain that position throughout their life.  This helps form the basis for a healthy life script.

If a child is treated badly or abused, this may result in his or her feeling helpless, powerless, and angry, and he or she may move into a position of believing “I'm OK, You're Not OK.” Such an individual may build a life on this angry position and continually prove to him or herself that others are not OK. This position involves  a lack of trust in others and makes it difficult for the person to form and maintain intimate friendships or relationships.

If a child is not well cared for and receives script messages that decrease his or her sense of self-worth,   that   child   might   move   into   the position  of  feeling  like  he  or  she  is  not  OK while others  are OK. This position also leaves the person with difficulty feeling good about him or her both in the work arena and in forming trusting and lasting relationships.

When things really go wrong during child- hood, a person might end up in the existential position of “I'm Not OK, You're Not OK.”  This is the life position of despair. The person in this position has great difficulty seeing the good in anyone and has trouble having any hope for the future. However, even people in this position can change.  They can grow to understand the life experiences that led them to have this view and can learn ways to change those early decisions that support these negatives beliefs.  Since we are almost all born in the position of “I’m OK,

You're OK,” we can get back to that belief even if our life experiences have led us to feel differently.  It is worth searching to understand how you have been influenced by the events in your own life so that you can come back to a place   of  knowing   that  both   you   and  other people are OK.

Transactional Analysis in Your Life:

Understanding    transactional    analysis    can help you understand yourself better. It can also help you see more clearly how you interact with others. One of the things that sets transactional analysis  therapy  apart  from  some  other therapies  is the belief that we are each responsible for our own future, regardless of what happened to us in the past.

If you see things in yourself that you do not like or that do not serve you well, transactional analysis   provides   some   tools   to   help   you change. You can begin to change by deciding, for example, what kind of Parent ego state you would like to have and then practice using and developing that part of yourself.  You can decide what ego state you would like to use more of and which one you might want to use less of. Would you like to use your Adult ego state more often? Or perhaps you use your Adult almost all the time and would like to practice using your playful Child ego state. You can practice giving certain kinds of strokes and asking for the kind of strokes you want to receive. By paying attention to different kinds of transactions, you can exert some control in conversations to make sure that communication proceeds in an honest, uncomplicated,straightforward way many people use transactional analysis in therapy because they want help in changing patterns in their lives that feel bad or are not productive.   These  are  usually  script  patterns based  on  early  decisions  made  during  childhood. A therapist who uses transactional analysis can help you discover elements of your life script and can help you change your patterns. Those early decisions that you made when you were young made a lot of sense at the time, but they may not really make sense at all anymore. You can change them now and make choices that allow you to live the life you want to live. That is what transactional analysis is all about.

This article is a brief overview designed to give beginning readers a basic understanding of the building blocks of transactional analysis. Those who are interested in knowing more, and understanding this theory in greater depth, can drop me a line.